Satya is the second of the five Yamas (restraints). I have already discussed the first one, Ahimsa, in a previous post, so please check that out from this link.
Satya is all about speaking your truth and being honest with yourself as well as with others. This might sound like it’s super easy to do but just think a moment on how many little white lies you tell yourself to help keep yourself happy. Here’s the thing, are you really happy living with those lies? I bet that you’re not. I know this because I haven’t been.
Satya presented itself to me this weekend when I came to full realization that I had been telling myself lies about my relationship with my partner. I had been telling myself that we could get over anything if we just worked at it. What I had been lying to myself about what that our relationship could be fixed but the true is, it could not be fixed. I had been telling myself that I could change but I really can’t, I am who I am and I was not what he wanted me to be. I also wanted something from him that he could not give to me and that was a lie that I told myself, that I could accept him for him but really, I could not or I would not have rejected parts of him in the ways that I did.
I do consider him to be one of my best friends and I don’t want to lose that. Of course, because we have had this more intimate relationship, it’s going to be hard to just going back to being “just friends”. I need time away from him, I don’t know how much time but enough to allow the pain of the loss of his presences in my life to fade.
I might be a little over sharing these days but I think that as a yoga teacher it’s important for me to help demonstrate keeping your heart open. I don’t think that I was keeping my heart open while I was trying to fight for our relationship, I think I was preparing myself for the end but that hasn’t worked either. It was just another lie I was telling myself.
I feel raw, open, and bare right now. Like I am standing in a room full of people without my cloths on and nothing to hide me from their gaze. I don’t want anyones pity in this matter, I know that I did all that I could and I know that this is best for both of us in the long run. Issues like the ones that we had cannot be fixed, you just have to leave the broken pieces to the wind and be open to the next experience. The very worst thing I can do to myself is close off my heart again. Although, I think some time alone to collect myself will be needed, it’s time for some self love again.
In keeping with Satya, I will endeavour to be more honest with myself and others, including my former partner.