Nevertheless, she persisted

Nevertheless, she persisted

I picked up some new bedding yesterday, something that’s very me and I spent the first night by myself at home with just me and the pets. It was quiet. I used to love time by myself but by the end of my last relationship, I was having a harder time staying alone. I hadn’t realized how much I had become dependant on his presence until it was gone. The void left behind was staggering to me. Before this relationship, I had never lived with a partner before and I think I won’t do that again unless it feels right from the beginning and isn’t forced due to circumstances.

Right now, I am enjoying having space again.

The space to think, to feel, to breath.

My only problem right now, is that I don’t really know what to do with myself when I am at home in the evenings. I used to have no problem keeping myself occupied before when he would be playing games or watching TV but now, with the void, I am finding myself watching shows just to keep my mind busy and to keep from dwelling on my situation. It’s easy to get caught up in a series of “what ifs” which it not helpful in the least bit. I know what I did wrong in the relationship but there’s no need to beat myself up over it. All I can do is hopefully be mindful of them in the future.

Being mindful is a big part of practicing yoga. It’s the everyday, every moment part of yoga. It’s build into the philosophy and spirituality of it. I have become more mindful since starting practicing yoga. Not that I am perfect at it, in fact, it was my lack of mindfulness that lead to many of my issues in my relationships, not only with my former partner but my friends too. Now looking back, I can see that.

I do have some things to look forward to this week. I am going to go see Wonder Woman, I am helping with a beginner yoga series at Tandava (see link on Facebook), I plan on hang out with some girl friends, and then I will have a full moon celebration with my coven.

I am excited for all of these events and they are keeping me busy and my mind on the moment and not dwelling on the past.

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Seven days goes by quick

I can’t believe it’s only been a week and I already feel better about my life then I did last week. Coming home and spending time with my parents has been just the right kind of medicine that I needed. Dexter has been such good boy and hasn’t left my side. I got my hair cut by my childhood hair dresser. I spent some time with my grandparents. Just sitting with them and letting them know we still care and are there for them brings a smile to their faces.

I also took some time to go through my boxes of childhood toys. There were a lot of strong memories in there from a time when things were much more simple. It was nice to go through them and pick out the strongest memories and put them away some place safe. I have to do something similar when I get back to Kelowna.

The biggest celebration of this weekend has been my family’s decision to take a trip to the big Island of Hawaii in January of 2018. We are doing this instead of gifts. We want to make memories instead of collecting things. I am super excited to see Hawaii for the first time.

If this is the start of where I am going, then I cannot wait to see what happens next.

End of May, End of an Era

End of May, End of an Era

I am closing this chapter of my life with a trip to my hometown this weekend. I feel like the last year, I have not spent enough time with my family and too much time with the family of my former partner. It’s not that I didn’t like his family, they are lovely people, but I feel like I lost touch with my own.

I have two ageing grandparents who are in their 90s, their memory is going and at a rapid rate. I have not seen them since Christmas and there’s something wrong about that. I used to go see them at least once every couple of months when I would go visit my parents. I think being tied in that relationship caused me to not give enough time to my family.

My family hasn’t been the only ones who have suffered my neglect, I have not been around my friends too. I was so busy trying to keep my former partner company that I didn’t spend time with them. Now, I will give my former partner credit, he did try to get me to see them but I was under the impression they didn’t want to see me. Now that I have broken up with him, they have all rallied around me with support and comfort. I have been kind of dumb about them for a while and having them support me now has opened my eyes to how neglectful I have been.

Now, I have gone through a lot of changes in the past few years and some of that is dealing with career dissatisfaction, my yoga teacher training, and my choice to stay mostly sober (I say mostly because I do enjoy the odd drink now and then).  What kind of person will I be in the future, who can tell. I do know that I want to spend more time with my family, friends, and dog.

Dexter, he’s my almost five year old pug/bull mix. He’s cute as a button and super friendly. I know he’s going to miss playing with my former partner but now he has a new dog friend to play with as I am reconnecting with an old friend and her dog, Pippin. Dexter has been my rock in all this. He’s the one coming to sleep with me at night, cuddling with me on the couch, and just listening when I need to have a cry about how my life just got turned upside down.

I had been planning a couple of trips this summer with my former partner but now, that’s been all dissolved. Now, I have one trip to Victoria planned to see my brother and visit with him. There’s also a tentative plan to go to NY because my roommate is performing at Carnegie Hall with her choir in November. That’s going to be a bit tricky and expensive trip but I think it will be fun to see her up there on that classic stage. She’s been working hard with that choir since 2010. There are some other friends who are also wanting to go and have approached them about joining them. There are some concerns from them but I think we can work something out.

I have always found comfort in making future plans. Being with my former partner, I wasn’t allowed to make these kinds of plans because he was too much of a go with the flow kind of guy. He wanted us to go on a vacation during our first talk of break up but I thought that would be us running away from our problems rather than facing them. In the end, we did run away from one another and you know what, I think it’s good that we have. I can get on with my life and he can continue on with his.

You have to put yourself first because if you don’t, you can never had the room for someone else in your life. If I ever get into another relationship, I will be as clear as I can that I am an independent woman who needs the space to run free!

Satya: truthfulness

Satya: truthfulness

Satya is the second of the five Yamas (restraints). I have already discussed the first one, Ahimsa, in a previous post, so please check that out from this link.

Satya is all about speaking your truth and being honest with yourself as well as with others. This might sound like it’s super easy to do but just think a moment on how many little white lies you tell yourself to help keep yourself happy. Here’s the thing, are you really happy living with those lies? I bet that you’re not. I know this because I haven’t been.

Satya presented itself to me this weekend when I came to full realization that I had been telling myself lies about my relationship with my partner. I had been telling myself that we could get over anything if we just worked at it. What I had been lying to myself about what that our relationship could be fixed but the true is, it could not be fixed. I had been telling myself that I could change but I really can’t, I am who I am and I was not what he wanted me to be. I also wanted something from him that he could not give to me and that was a lie that I told myself, that I could accept him for him but really, I could not or I would not have rejected parts of him in the ways that I did.

I do consider him to be one of my best friends and I don’t want to lose that. Of course, because we have had this more intimate relationship, it’s going to be hard to just going back to being “just friends”. I need time away from him, I don’t know how much time but enough to allow the pain of the loss of his presences in my life to fade.

I might be a little over sharing these days but I think that as a yoga teacher it’s important for me to help demonstrate keeping your heart open. I don’t think that I was keeping my heart open while I was trying to fight for our relationship, I think I was preparing myself for the end but that hasn’t worked either. It was just another lie I was telling myself.

I feel raw, open, and bare right now. Like I am standing in a room full of people without my cloths on and nothing to hide me from their gaze. I don’t want anyones pity in this matter, I know that I did all that I could and I know that this is best for both of us in the long run. Issues like the ones that we had cannot be fixed, you just have to leave the broken pieces to the wind and be open to the next experience. The very worst thing I can do to myself is close off my heart again. Although, I think some time alone to collect myself will be needed, it’s time for some self love again.

In keeping with Satya, I will endeavour to be more honest with myself and others, including my former partner.

What happens next?

It saddens me greatly to let you know that my supportive partner for the last eighteen months and I have decided that we are no longer compatible with one another. This breaks my heart as I really do love the man but we are just not working out. We have very different lives and interests and those things we do share in common are just not enough.

I am working hard to allow myself to feel all the pains that go with this kind of a break up but it’s hard when you have to focus on the everyday tasks. I wish that I had the ability to just go away and not deal with this but what good would that do me. The only way to work through this heartache is to face it.

Deep down I know that this is the best thing for both of us and that the pain I feel is only going to last a short time. I wanted to get up and do yoga this morning but I could do was look at the pile of his things that he is taking away today and feel anger. I am angry that we could not find it in us to get past our troubles and that we could not communicate our pains to one another sooner. It’s not that we didn’t try, we actually almost broke up a month ago but we decided to give it one last go but in the end, only one of us wanted that to work.

He’s moving this things out of my place today and then comes the rebuilding of an independent life. I went a long pretty good for nine years on my own before I met him. I am now a different person and I don’t know what to do with myself. I am going to missing our time cooking together, eating meals, playing with my dog, going for walks, taking hikes, watching our shows, and playing board games. All of these things can be done on my own but they just won’t be the same without him.

What could I have done? You know, I thought I had been doing enough to keep our relationship going but I felt like I was pulling the whole train of cars without the aid of the engine. I just didn’t have what it took and I needed his help but somewhere along the way, he got off the train without telling me and then just hung on behind until I bothered to look back to see he was no longer happy and wanted to take a different train, one that leads away from me. I still wonder how I could have been so blind to his pain the last few months. I would go so far to say the last year. I should have figured it out when he didn’t bother to even get me a card for my birthday that he was not happy with me.

I am still left wondering how long it had been going on for. I wonder if he had just been open with me, confronted me about my actions, if something could have been altered sooner. Then I have to remind myself that we have broken up because our relationship is broken and simply beyond repair.

I am sad and hurt today but tomorrow, I know it will be better and in a few months time, I will have forgotten this and will have moved on with my life.